Happy Birthday

Tomorrow is my 25^th Birthday. I’m normally not that concerned about my birthdays. The day arrives, we have some cake and presents, and then life carries on as usual. Bada-bing bada-boom. 
This year, however, the approach of my birthday has been met with some feelings of melancholy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also very excited about it, but there has been a bit of reminiscing surrounding this birthday.

As all birthdays, this one brings up thoughts of being younger. The dreams I had as a child and how some of them were realised and some were let go. 
There’s a wonderful line in a Regina Spektor song that says: “One day you’ll wake up and feel a great pain and you’ll miss every toy you’ve ever owned."
I think we can all relate to that in some way. You think back to how your life was then and how different it is now. But at the same time, you know that if you had those toys now they wouldn’t mean the same to you. You can’t go back, so you move forward.

Because my birthday is at the start of August, it always, without fail, fell right smack-dab in the middle of the Summer holidays. This means that I always had the day off on my birthday, (except for a few times here and there when I was working a summer job), and since I’ve chosen teaching as my profession this continues to be the case. It’s great, I have a whole day to do with what I will.

However, being that it’s the summer holidays usually meant most of my friends were away. As a result my birthdays were always more of a family affair. And I wouldn’t have had it any other way. My family are my favourite people in the whole world. I always count myself incredibly blessed whenever I think of them. The love I have for these people is immeasurable. They bring so much joy and light to everyone they meet. Think salt of the earth and that’s them.

I think that’s part of the struggle I’m having this year. It will be the first time that I celebrate my birthday outside of the family home. For the past 24 years I’ve been home for my birthday, and now I’m finding that “home” is a trickier place to find.

Currently, I live in Chilliwack in a wonderful apartment that I love. So yes, I consider that my home. But it can also be a lonely place because I live there on my own. My loving family; parents and sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and nephews, are spread out across the globe in 3 different countries. I consider those people to be my home, but at this point a rather far away home.

This year I will be spending my birthday with my boyfriend, James. He is the most loving and thoughtful man I have ever known. He truly astounds me with his servant heart and generous spirit. He lives in a house along with 6 other people. They are kind, intelligent, welcoming, and full of laughter. I’ve been spending a fair amount of time here over the past few weeks and months, and slowly I think I’m starting to consider this place and these people to be one of my many places I can call home.


I can’t say what this coming year will hold. I’m certain there will be times of feeling alone and missing the life I used to have as a child living with my family. But, I am also certain that this year will be full of hope and joy during the times spent with the new people in my life. I’m sure I’ll find more places to call home and make new memories to reminisce about years from now. The important thing is that I can always look back and say that no matter what, I’ve been surrounded by love and that means more than I could ever say.

Things I Miss About My Home in England

The special needs group in the building across from mine and their whole-hearted Karaoke singing every Saturday.

Being able to get lovely dinners and desserts at Marks and Spencer’s.

The guy who was always blasting Status Quo as he drove around town in a little blue car.

The daily market selling everything from fresh fruit to antique jewellery.

Feeling like a true Londoner every time I took the Tube and ended up where I wanted to be.

My cute little British students with their polite manners and smart uniforms.

Street musicians of all varieties that made the shopping street feel like a party.

Hearing a variety of British accents everyday and loving each one.

Walking past beautiful historic buildings on cobbled streets every day.

That one particular street musician who, without meaning to, made every song sound like a threat. (I’ll never listen to Dreadlock Holiday the same way again. “You better run! You better take cover!”)

Being able to take the train and watch the countryside roll on by.

Going to the Theatre and visiting Museums regularly.

Walking through the streets of London.

Nesting Instinct.

Nesting is a term used to describe the instinct or urge an expectant mother feels to prepare a home for her newborn. Lately I've been having some nesting urges. Don't worry Ma and Pa, I'm not pregnant. But I do feel a longing to create a place that is mine. I've never fully had that. For the first part of my life I always shared a room with my younger sister, then for a brief time I had my own room, and then I started moving around roughly once a year (sometimes more) which never really gave me enough time to create a home for myself. Right now I'm living in England and I'm renting the top floor of the local vicarage. In some ways I have made it my own, but in most ways it's just a room. The furniture is not mine, the bedding isn't mine, I can't paint the walls or put up pictures. Next year I plan on getting my own place. A place that is really mine. I doubt that I'll actually buy a place, but I would like to rent something that is its own unit. Not a basement suite, not a coach house, but a real apartment that I can make my own. Furnish with furniture that is of my taste. Hang up some of the art I've collected and pictures of people I love. Fill it with knick-knacks and books that mean something to me. Heck, if they let me maybe I'll even get a dog. Yes, I'm looking forward to finding a place to make my own. A place to settle for at least a year or two. A home. 

The Gift

He handed her the book.

‘I’m sorry it’s not a first edition.’

‘Well does it have the same words?’ she asked.

‘Yes, I suppose it does.’

‘Then I love it just the same.’

She leaned in and kissed his cheek.

This made him happy.

He hoped she would do it again, but instead she began to slowly thumb through the pages.

Thankfully, watching her enjoy the gift made him happy too.

Getting To Know You.

There are many blogs I've written but never posted. Good blogs too. Ones that revealed different parts of who I am. Blogs that share some of my hopes and dreams, my insecurities and my worries. I haven't put these blogs on the internet because that isn't how you should learn those things about me.
Those things should not be readily available to anyone who has internet access. 

We've become very accustomed to sharing everything in our lives with anyone who will listen. Taking pictures of our food. Photographing our feet on random sidewalks. Stretching our arms out and pointing the camera at ourselves in front of anything even vaguely of interest. There is nothing wrong with that. I mean, I've got a Youtube channel where I love to post videos of my adventures. What I worry about is more than that: we share our opinions of everything. We comment what we're thinking and how we're feeling. We write paragraph after paragraph about our deepest thoughts and dreams. Should all that really just be out there?

The other day I was walking on the street and I overheard a girl saying "Some of my friends don't even have instagram. I mean, it's not like a deal breaker or anything but come on! What if I want to get to know you better?" It's worrying to me that we get to know each other through screens and it's dangerous too. On the internet I get to choose what I share or don't share. I could paint you a beautiful picture of who Hanna is and how great she is and all the fun stuff she does. But that isn't the full picture. That isn't really me. Certainly not all of me.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: if you want to get to know me, all of me, you're going to have to actually spend time with me. You're going to have to work at it. I need to know that you care enough about me to earn the stories of who I am. I need to trust that you will respect them. You won't get to know me through your screen but I'm more than happy to meet you for a face-to-face and a heart-to-heart. 

Take Time

Our world is pretty fast paced. We've become accustomed to getting things at the push of a button (or click of a mouse). We complain when we have to wait in a queue for even a few minutes. Or when the internet is ever so slightly slower than usual. I think we are slowly loosing our ability to appreciate the little things. We don't take time to just sit and enjoy a good song. We don't look up from our gadgets to see the beauty of the morning sky. We can't get off of Netflix long enough to wind down with a good book and a cup of cocoa. 

These past few weeks I've been making an effort to take time to appreciate the little things. I want to make sure that I actually take notice of the day as it unfolds rather than being focussed solely on what tasks I have planned to achieve. I know I'm not the first to do this and I know that it's not a revolutionary thing, but it has been making such a difference. Every evening I give myself at least an hour before bed: I light a candle, do a bit of journaling, play some music, or snuggle up with a book. I unplug and actually take time to enjoy my life. And it has given me so much more peace. I don't feel stressed, I don't feel like I'm busy every hour of every day.

I've noticed that by just taking a few minutes here and there throughout the day to appreciate the little things I've been able to feel so much more calm. It reminds me that life is so much more than constantly being on the go and always thinking about the next thing. Sometimes I want to share a moment with a student and really listen as they tell me a story. I want to take time to just sit and enjoy my lunch without marking at the same time. I want to enjoy the colours of the sky as the sun is going down even if I'm still at work. 

I know it can seem hard. You already feel like you don't have enough time in the day, let alone have extra time to stop and appreciate something as small as a good cup of coffee. But trust me, once you give yourself these moments to be thankful for these things you'll find that maybe you do have more time than you think. 

True North.

Dear Canada,

Today I miss you. I miss seeing you in your Autumnal splendour. How I wish I could take a long drive along the Fraser River or down a winding country road. I wish that I could go for a hike in your mighty mountains and take in the beauty of the changing foliage. I want to bundle up and to feel your cool breeze on my nose. I wish that I would get caught in one of BC's downpours and get soaked to the bone. Then I would snuggle up with a cup of coffee, real coffee. Maybe have some pancakes with maple syrup and bacon while I sit in front of a log-burning fire. I love to smell of wood smoke that lingers in the damp air, mingling with the scent of crisp leaves. To hear the call of a loon or an eagle. I miss your oceans. I miss you plains. I miss the mountains and forests. I miss you vast skies and the beauty of your sunsets. I miss your cities and your towns. Canada, today I miss you, but don't worry. Someday I will come to you again and be able to love you all the more.

-Hanna

Choices.

Life sure does involve a lot of choices, doesn’t it? Almost everything we do is a choice. You make a choice to get out of bed in the morning. You choose what to have for breakfast. You choose what to wear. Throughout the day you are making hundreds and thousands of choices.

This choice making starts from a very young age. I can remember being told to “Make good choices” as I headed out the door as a young teenager. And this past year I must have asked dozens of 5 year olds “What choice are you making?” or “Could you make a better choice?”

When you’re a kid making choices is usually a fun thing. I remember how exciting it was when I would get to choose, all by myself, what I would wear that day – what a thrill! Or I’d get to choose what route we would take to get somewhere. Quite a responsibility. Sure, my parents usually would give me appropriate options to choose from, but still, I was the one making the decision that would shape our day.

As you get older some choices remain exciting: where are we going to go on vacation? What movie are we going to see? What type of car will you buy?

But as you get older, your choices hold more weight. You have an even greater responsibility to make good choices. What kind of job will you have? How are you going to pay your bills? Who are you going to marry? These are big choices and unfortunately they do not always come with pre-approved options. Sometimes you’ll have a world of choices in front of you, and while that is exciting it can also be overwhelming.

Having faith in God often makes it easier. A lot of people trust that He has a plan for their lives and that He will guide them through their choices. And while I believe that is certainly true some of the time, I think that sometimes God might present you with several choices and any one of them could be the right choice. Some might challenge you more than others, but all of them are good options. Then you have to choose: do I want to make the easy choice, or the harder choice that might be more rewarding?

We all have choices to make. Hopefully we have the wisdom to make good ones.

Steal this Day.

I want to steal this day with you.

To hide away in some small café where no one knows us.

Snuggle up on an oversized couch, not caring what people might say.

I want to read old American novels with you

and drift away into the story and the sound of your voice.

Listen to the rain gently tapping on the window 

and know that she can’t reach me here in your arms.

Sip our drinks side by side and wonder if it’s your company

or the coffee that is warming me up inside.

It's important that you hear them.

I hope you have people in your life who say these words to you, because it’s important that you hear them.

It’s okay.

Maybe you don’t have all of the answers. And maybe you’re scared and terrified. And maybe you feel like things aren’t going the way they are supposed to be going. And maybe you feel you’re all alone.

But you are surrounded by love that you don’t even know about. 

There are people out there who are pulling for you. People who would give anything to see you smile. These are the people who won’t give up on you, even on the days when you give up on yourself.

So at those times when you feel like you’re running on empty and all you want to do is give up, remember that there is someone in your corner. Ready to give you that extra push, or a shoulder to cry on, or to simply wrap you up in their arms. You do not have to do it alone.

And it’s when you realize that you have this wealth of love to draw your strength from that you’ll see that things are not quite a bleak as they once seemed. You’ll find something in each day to bring a smile to your face and a joyful song to your heart.

Reach out to those around you and find that you are surrounded by love that you didn’t even know about.

(*Some of these beautiful words were borrowed from or inspired by Elliott Morgan’s What’s Your Sentence)

Something New

So... I've decided to start a vlog. We'll see how long it lasts, but for now go ahead and take a look-see. And don't worry, I'll keep posting on here as well :)

Steve.

From an early age I was made aware of Murphy’s Law: “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong”. And while it is always a bit frustrating when Murphy’s Law does rear its ugly head in life, I have learned to simply smile politely and see it as one of life’s little pranks. However, lately I have been experiencing Murphy’s Law more frequently than I would hope and the reason for this is simple: Steve.

Steve is my 1994 Volkswagen Golf. Das auto ist mein auto.

It was a warm and sunny afternoon in late August when Steve came into my life. After having replied to a craigslist posting and having gone for a test drive it was finally time for me to sign the papers and be a first-time car owner (I would be co-signing with my younger sister, God bless her for chipping in). And it was this very day that Steve would bring about Murphy’s Law for the first time.

Before signing the papers it turned out that Steve’s air-care had expired, which was a deal breaker. My dad and the previous owner quickly took the car to get tested: it failed. Not wanting to go back on my word to purchase the car, I gave the owner the rest of the day to sort out any issues and get Steve air-cared, at which point my sister and I would gladly sign the papers. After another two attempts Steve finally passed air-care and we drove him home that afternoon.

It was not long before a new problem made itself known. Steve was a heavy drinker of coolant. And by heavy I mean that he went through a jug of coolant that proudly boasted to last up to 5 years, in no more than two weeks. Time to visit the mechanic. I decided to get a full check up and at the end of the day I was given a 4-page print out of things that were wrong with Steve. I got the most desperate problems fixed and felt confident that Steve would be fine for at least the rest of the year. Then winter came...

The first time it froze overnight I was unable to unlock the doors the next morning. Luckily this problem was quickly solved with some hot water. The bigger issue was that Steve had decided to start honking whenever he felt so inclined. At start up Steve would gladly greet me with several short honks. When rounding corners Steve would greet the passersby on the street with a little beep. Sometimes little honks were not enough and Steve would sound his horn long and clear for all to hear.

Another issue that appeared with the winter-rains was that Steve retains water. We first noticed a small puddle on the floor by the backseat but thought little of it. However, as it has rained more and more the puddle has become more like a small lake. While driving, the water sloshes around making sounds similar to that of a rain-stick. The sound is equal parts soothing and disconcerting.

This past week I was driving along a quiet country road and had just pulled up to a stop sign when Steve had a slight tantrum. He flashed his warning lights at me and started honking continuously. I put him into park, put on the emergency break, turned all the lights off, shut off the ignition and pulled the keys out. Steve continued honking. What makes this even more miraculous is that the fuse for the horn had been taken out several weeks earlier. There I sat, perplexed and aghast. After various attempts to stop the honking I got out and locked the doors. Finally the honking subsided. I can only assume that, for reasons unknown, Steve had decided to sound his alarm in the middle of our nice drive.

My parents warned me about getting a car. They told me that it would cost a lot of money (which it does) and take a lot of upkeep (which it certainly does). But despite my overexcited little car and his crazy antics, I do enjoy having a car. There has been many a time when Steve is in a good mood as we cruise along the highway, gently humming along to the radio. Steve has also taught me a lot about cars and their inner workings. But most of all, Steve has brought me lots of laughs, maybe not always in the moment but certainly in retelling the tales.

Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I do not know how much more time I have with Steve, but in the time we have spent together Steve has helped me to see that when things go wrong, the best thing to do is accept it, laugh about it, and move on.

A Life That's Good

This song was on the most recent episode of Nashville (don't judge me -- someone's got to watch it..) and I really liked the lyrics so I thought I'd share them with ya'll (see how the show rubs off on me. oh dear.) Also, if you get a chance you should look up the video of it, it's by Lennon and Maisy: two very talented young sisters :)

A Life That's Good

Sitting here tonight

By the fire light

It reminds me I already have

More than I should

I don’t need a thing

No one to know my name

At the end of the day

Lord, I pray:

“I have a life that’s good.”

Two arms around me

Ever to ground me

And family that always calls me home

Four wheels to get there

Enough love to share

And a sweet, sweet song

At the end of the day,

Lord, I pray:

“I have a life that’s good.”

The Precipice

There she stood, 

just a short distance from the edge, 

the gentle breeze dancing through her hair

as she breathed deep 

and let the smell of the salty ocean fill her lungs.

She could see the vast horizon stretched out before her, 

the seagulls playing games on the wind.

She thought of all the time it had taken her to get to this point. 

Each step and every stumble that had made up the road that brought her to this place.

A few more steps and she would reach the precipice

and be standing at the edge: 

ahead of her the vastness of the ocean 

and the endlessness of the sky.

Then there will be no more questions or choices;

she has only one thing left to do, 

the outcome the only uncertainty.  

She imaged that when she leaped 

she would submerge gracefully into the cool waters below;

feeling the freshness of it as the current gently guided her. 

But there was a chance, 

however small, 

that she would hit upon the rocks. 

That it would all have been for naught.

There she stood, 

those few small steps from the cliff edge, 

and she knew that the outcome no longer mattered. 

Every step and misstep will have been worth it

if only for those few brief moments after stepping off the edge

The moments she’ll feel like she is flying.

  

My end, not my means.

Sometimes I lose sight of who God is. I make Him smaller in my mind. Too often I am guilty of using God as a means to an end, rather than seeing Him as my ultimate goal.

This past Sunday, the sermon reminded me of how often we take everything that God has to offer but leave Him standing alone. The passage we read was from Acts 8:18-23. In this passage Simon asks Peter if he can buy the power of the Holy Spirit. Peter answers Simon saying that he has “no part or share in this ministry, because your heart is not right before God. Repent of this wickedness and pray to the Lord. Perhaps He will forgive you for having such a thought in your heart. For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”

It is so wrong for us to pursue God solely for the gifts that He so lovingly gives us. And this goes beyond physical gifts and prosperity. If you pursue God just to get that lovey-dovey feeling you are equally guilty of using God as a means to an end.

I have often heard it said that the Bible is God’s love letter written to us. While this may be true, the danger of looking at the Bible that way is that we make it all about ourselves. If it’s a love letter to me it should make me feel good and should always apply to what I’m feeling and going through. That is the wrong way to look at the Bible. We should be reading the Bible as a form of worship. Reading it to come closer to our God and Creator. Reading it to know Him more deeply and intimately.

I want to finish this post with some of the notes I took during the sermon on Sunday, and to remind you that I am not trying to condemn anyone: I am equally, if not more, guilty of using God for my own personal gain rather than for the pure joy of knowing Him and being in His presence.

Notes:

"If you come to Jesus for what He can give and not for Him, you are not a true Christian. Don’t treat God like your witch doctor to get what you really want. HE should be your heart’s greatest treasure."

Judgey McJudgerson

This video has been receiving quite a lot of views over the past few weeks and it’s not surprising why.  One of the women in the clip, Katie, is going on about why she judges children based on their names. Everyone else in the room is quite simply shocked and astounded (might I say disgusted?!) by her conviction that this is a reasonable thing to do. How could you possibly find it reasonable to judge children based on their names?!

What I find interesting is that, while in this situation people are so against judging others because of their names, and by extension their class in society, there are still so many people who find it perfectly acceptable to judge people based on their skin color, religion, sexual orientation, etc.  

The poll taken in the clip shows that only 9% of the viewers agree with Katie and think you should judge a person by their name. And while, thankfully, 9% is a low number, it is still 1 in 10 people judging people based on their names. That's too many for a debate as straightforward as this! What if the question was: “Is it alright to judge someone based on their Ethnicity? Or Religion? Or Sexual Orientation?” What would the results look like? It’s a bit worrying.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say with this blog. I think I’m just shocked that there are even people like this out there who so firmly hold to their beliefs about judging people they don’t even know for arbitrary things. If you look through the comments it’s clear that people are not too pleased with Katie and her stance. I guess the Bible verse rings true: “Judge not, lest ye be judged” (Matt 7:1). 

Foie Gras

I don’t agree with foie gras. It is goose or duck liver that has been “specially fattened” by forcing mass amounts of food down the bird’s throat in order for its liver to grow to an abnormal size. I just don’t like the idea of having things shoved down your throat for any reason.

Sometimes when I feel really passionate about something I will really hammer it home. I’ll go on and on about why what I think is right and why others should agree with me. It’s a terrible habit and one that I’m sure we have all been guilty of at one time or another. We become similar to the farmers who shove so much down the poor bird’s throat that it causes the bird incredible discomfort.

It can be really hard to not go overboard when you feel strongly about something, especially if that something has brought you great joy and has changed your life for the better. But you have to be considerate of the other person’s feelings. Yes, what you have to say might be true and it might even be helpful to the other person, but you have to present it in the right way.

I am certain that if the same food was laid out in front of the geese and ducks they would gladly nibble away at it. It is good food, and their bodies need the nutrients.  The change to their bodies might not come as quickly as it would through force, but the change will come, in a better and healthier way. They are hungry for it, but you have to let them come to it on their own terms.

As Christians we are told to spread the gospel. The good news. However, sometimes we get so excited about sharing this good news that we forget to take into consideration the feelings of those we are sharing the news with. You can’t force it on people. It doesn’t work that way. I think one of the best ways to share the good news is simply by being an example of Christ to people. By loving them for who they are, where they are. And when people start to get hungry for what you have, then you can start to share your faith with them in portions that they can handle and digest.

I don’t agree with foie gras. I do agree with loving people.

An excerpt.

"Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?"

"Well, that is a plan. I am perfectly ready to consider it. Of course I should require some assurances... I should want a guarantee that you are taking me to a place where I shall find a wider sphere of usefulness - and scope for the talents that God has given me - and an atmosphere of free inquiry - in short, all that one means by civilisation and - er - the spiritual life."

"No," said the other. "I can promise you none of these things. No sphere of usefulness: you are not needed there at all. No scope for your talents: only forgiveness for having perverted them. No atmosphere of inquire, for I will bring you to the land not of questions but of answers, and you shall see the face of God."

-The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis